I do miss gaming. Used to be one of my most adored hobbies. Sold my computer for drugs, only use laptops these days. Laptops gets hot. I'm hot. A bad match indeed. Anyhow uppers let me focus, being awesome at games. But i need an awesome computer to play, spend all on drugs, no doubt. Need game, but need drugs. No sleep, no hunger, always something out there no doubt it. I want a new computer. I want to flee. Flee this life. Whos that behind me, someone that's fucked up but with a knife. To many thoughts linger around black holes, the only thing that will be left. A void, deep inside. A thought, deep in side my mind.
Still love the opiates the most, nothing can change that. Insane. Insane in the membrain, me-brain, me? What now? Lost my thought of trains there, sorry.
OK lol for real tho i got ripped of a few days back 500 crowns , i wanted to buy methadone but i got buttfucked. I hate people, people hate me . Dilligaf. Shit happens, indeed..
Now leave me be to my wicked self!
I LOVE YOU ... Only people in my opinion that are allowed to say these words are family. But even they can say it , and not mean it, or mean it and take it back. Now however if it's someone from the opposite sex that says those words it's more likely than not that the person saying doesen't even mean it . More likely they're just after something, wheter it is wanting to hear someone saying it back - just so they can feel loved, or just saying it with the actual INTENT to hurt you.
I hate you. I love you. Can you count words? Both these sentences has three words each and only one powerfull word is the difference. Love usually turns into hate. Atleasat that's the case for me. I Never say anything i dont mean, sober, anyways. Humanity should learn to respect the actual "invention" of the word LOVE and actaully realize what i means, for real, before even saying it. I guess what i'm trying to say it words hurts more than anything else. Especially those three, tiny words that has the most power in the world. I Love You. I guess most people just love saying it, or hearing it. Don't be fuckin' selfish, the one you're saying to is also a person, has feelings. Yes i'm sensitive, i am what i am and i fuckin' HATE being toyed with, fooled with, played around with..
Lately for some reason this blog and my vlog has been used against me in my personal life, i like to keep this blog and my personal life as seperate as possible, even tho i write about very personal things the title of the blog says it's PARTLY FICTIONAL. The truth is real but the fun is illusional. Fuck all you haters, keep commenting, sharing this shit to people i know, i don't care. First off learn english if you're going to try to use this against me , secondly , take it for what it is , A layed-back partly ficitional blog about an addict. I'm not proud being addict but that's what i am and that's what i struggle with. HATE IT OR LOVE IT. That part is true.
Now fuck off and tell someone else who cares that you love them.
Well sometimes its easier to talk than to write ;) Enjoy. Might be more. Fuck yall haters tho dilligaf
RELAPZ - OUT
Pretty much people think drugs, hard liquor or maybe even sex when they hear the word addiction. ..
I don't think at all. I feel it. I can get addicted to antyhing. You mnight think i'm high now, not saying that i'm not but (lol) i'm also a gambling addict. More in the sense of "i want to get rich" get more money, to buy stuff. Not enjou loosing thoussands of thousands in a very slow and painfull way. I believe in addication, as a disease, knowing how stop but not being able to. The most disturbing addictions are the legal ones. Tobacco for exemple, i do that to. But ONLINE CASINOS are the work of the devil i tell ye! It's everywhere now, you cant even take a crap at a public restroom without seeing some ads on the toiletpaper or some shit! Oh well, was my choice this evening to gamble away that i was going to spend on my meds. But i was just trying to reach the amount of money that i actially started playing at, in the end. Bizarre aint it? not to talk about weird ass addicion like picking dingleberries out of your ass, chewing your fingernails. And sex addiction, id love to have that. Id love to have sex all the time but its been over a year since last time now and that tinder shit aint working! So if you feel free to comment or email me adress or w/e were i can buy a cheap hooker just to blow me or something, close to kalmar cause i'm sick travel far.
Its 4 in the morning here (thanks you shitty online casino for not letting me win my cash back and exploit people with addictive personalities) Afterall its all a matter of self discipline really, but i lost all that when i gained my freedom again i'd say. So mcuh you can do out here and so much youre not allowed to do in prison life.
Life's a balance and if you got a crooked leg or such that make's you make a wrong step life might just give you a swift kick in the ass and get you out of balance. Words of wisdom from a real tired and kind of disapointed at even relapzing on slot machines, the most boring and evilinspired "games" that some wicked, wicked man come up with. Stick to being addicted to masturbation or something that dont hurt as much is the long run. -RELAPZ!
I can finally start to feel human again. Shortly after my last entry i robbed a pharmacy and (almost) got away with 400 tabs of morphine and 50 benzos.. Why? Insanity perhaps, or so i'd like to think. Would never have done it in my right mind, but then again it might have been just what i needed considering where i was in life. I was sentenced to one year in Skänninge Prison even though minimum sentence for robbery is two years, i got real lucky. I always said i would never make it on the inside, but i was wrong, obviously. I'm now stronger mentally and physically and i feel like i can accomplish anything. I want to live a "normal" life more than ever, but at the same time i don't want to be constantly bored ofcourse.
What doesen't kill you makes you stronger. That expression is so true, even though, to be honest, there were times i thought about ending it all.. Let's just say my persona as a nice and empathic guy really didn't work out well at all at times when being in prison (duuh) i still never gave up my etics and morals but i was after a couple of months able to turn off my emotions and just not care about anything, which actually is kind of usefull, still.
Insanity roamed the halls of the prison, i learned to deal with the boredom but alot of people just snapped and had their fun by degrading and constantly trying to put other people down, trying to make others feel as bad as they did. I'd like to think i remained sane (as sane or insane as i already was entering prison). I woke up and realized what's most important in life: Family .
Be happy with everything or the little things that you have in life. One day it might all be gone and what are you going to turn to then? You don't know what you got, or what really, really matters untill it's gone for a long time, or forever. Appriciate being bored, appriciate being able to feel sad or happy. Appriciete being able to open your window when it's hot inside. Don't take anything for granted! Make sure you let everyone that matters to you know that they do before it's to late. Be happy over that ugly shirt your mothers made you last christmas that itches and just won't fit right because it might just be the last thing that you'll ever get from her.
Fuckin' prophet wannabe huh? lol. I've had eight looooong months to think and feel about everything and this was just a tiny tiny bit what i've come to think of, more to come, i guess. No stress. Stress is bad. Don't walk to fast, or you might just hit a wall, or fall off of a cliff, or some nasty shit like that. You don't want that. Be free, be good, be human. Fuck everything else.
Never to Relapz again!
Here i go again on my own .. Not only a Whitesnake song but the story of my life. I'm out of rehab, doing things i shouldn't do and just surviving. I left rehab (surprise surprise) and been doing so much wrong that i simply haven't had the time to blog. So allegedly i relapsed on benzos .. Funny thing is there is NO PROOF what-so-ever that i relapsed, no urine tests or nothing , just the empty words of a polish-prositute-look-a-likes word against mine and of course a badass like me cannot be trused!
Nah but seriously tho, it pisses me off that some people just can be right without having any proof. Anyways now im free to do what i want, pretty much, and i can thank god for my mom that still lets me stay here, after all i've done.
So i'm back with the love for my opiates, consuming about 50 bucks worth of opiates a day, a pain in the ass when you don't want to do crime to support your habit.. So now i'm at my moms, can't see my son (surprise surprise) due to the fact that my ex is being a total asshat, not wanting my son to have a dad. No thats right, not because im an addict, but because my ex likes the power she has over me. But surprise surprise bitch, if you don't let my son have a dad he might just turn out just like me! Now think of that when you go to sleep you humanity-depraved cunt. 'scuse the french guys :)
So this is me, just keepin' keepin' on. Joker, Chillum, Zyclone, whatever you see me as is high (barely) and is signing out (yes i am)
Untill next time, fuckers!
Whats up .. Been a while now, keeping myself busy or atleast, trying to.. I've noticed that's whats most important. Got two months clean and sober on the 16th, looking forward to it? Not really but i guess in it's own way it's a milestone in my journey to infinty. I got crawings, so bad, just want one more high, but if so i know i'm fucked. Still haven't seen my son, yet, and i'm fighting for custody. My son means so much to me, he's three and a half, like i've mentioned, hurts to say but my love for him is aligned with my craving for drugs.. I just don't know who i am anymore, addiction is all i know. But i think the most relevant is i WANT to change .. It might sound selfish in a weird kind of way but i BREATHE only for my son, i couldn't give a crap about myself, i want to love myself, but don't know how. Atleast like myself would be a great start.
'Nuff of semantics, i'm still in pain from my nervedamage, ironicly caused by my addiction, shooting up benzos. I do believe it is getting better, atleast from time to time, some nights i just scream and hit shit because of the pain. Still in rehab, still strugglin' with understanding man kind and still craving that one, last, hit.
To all addicts out there, if you want to get(stay) clean and sober there's always a way. Somehow, somewhere you will find yourself. This is JOKER (new nickname, wahaha) signing out. Peace!
.. I've moved 11 kilometers away from my home city of Kalmar, feels good, what doesen't feel good is my leg, still, but in the words of Pearl Jam, i'm still alive! Fuckin' hurts and meds ain't working. But i'm sober, my ex threw shit on me a few weeks back and said i wasn't worth the name "dad" .. pissed me off, and now i'm sober, mainly for my son, he needs me , he needs his dad. So three and a half week sober and still kickin' .. I'm at a sober living facility, kinda, working my ass off and constantly feeling the nerve damage in my foot, which is also, sadly, a "valid reason" for me to relapse . But no, fuck it, my son is worth so much more than me silly addiction, and even my life. I kicked my IV opiate addiction, i left everything and headed for soberness and well.. boredom, depression and anxiety, shit i gotta learn to deal with.
So the new season of Trailer Park Boys is out .. can i watch it, in this STATE OF FOOL COUNCIOUSNESS...?
I doubt it .. I can try, but TPB is pretty much only fun when you're high or drunk .. Anyways, keep your head up, fight on and NEVER GIVE UP.
Later . -DC
Hello Journal! (It's obviously what this is since i'm the only one reading) I'm not butthurt, still nervedamaged and no one is doing shit about it except me. No i do NOT wanna go rehab and i'm prolonging it as much as possible. It's just getting harder and harder to get my pain relieved..
ALSO: I'M SINGLE AGAIN .. Yes indeed, lasted a whole 2 months or something? You know whats the worst part? SHE SAID SHE LOVES ME .. That's what hurt the most, okay so she and i both had big problems. But i don't feel like i let them out onto her.. Maybe one good thing with rehab would be to be left alone, but then again the big issue with the PAIN!!
I try to keep my self proccupied but it's easier said than done with a heavy opiate addiction and nervedamage all over my fuckin' leg still after almost 8 months(??) Hard to keep track when every day is the same. And to make it worse now i've started to miss when i inject, which makes it even more expensive to relieve my pain.
Some days i feel like "fuck it" but then i remember my son. One day i'm gonna get out of this stinkin' trench of a life and actually be there for him .. But up untill then, LET ME GET RID OF MY PAIN. So this is Chillum, still alive, still not respected, still looked down upon and still FIGHTING. Never give up, never surrender.
CHEERS FOR NOT READING .. Haha -DC