Ads, Fuck em! I know right, but as long as they don't whine i can get a bit o' cash!
Well sometimes its easier to talk than to write ;) Enjoy. Might be more. Fuck yall haters tho dilligaf
RELAPZ - OUT
Pretty much people think drugs, hard liquor or maybe even sex when they hear the word addiction. ..
I don't think at all. I feel it. I can get addicted to antyhing. You mnight think i'm high now, not saying that i'm not but (lol) i'm also a gambling addict. More in the sense of "i want to get rich" get more money, to buy stuff. Not enjou loosing thoussands of thousands in a very slow and painfull way. I believe in addication, as a disease, knowing how stop but not being able to. The most disturbing addictions are the legal ones. Tobacco for exemple, i do that to. But ONLINE CASINOS are the work of the devil i tell ye! It's everywhere now, you cant even take a crap at a public restroom without seeing some ads on the toiletpaper or some shit! Oh well, was my choice this evening to gamble away that i was going to spend on my meds. But i was just trying to reach the amount of money that i actially started playing at, in the end. Bizarre aint it? not to talk about weird ass addicion like picking dingleberries out of your ass, chewing your fingernails. And sex addiction, id love to have that. Id love to have sex all the time but its been over a year since last time now and that tinder shit aint working! So if you feel free to comment or email me adress or w/e were i can buy a cheap hooker just to blow me or something, close to kalmar cause i'm sick travel far.
Its 4 in the morning here (thanks you shitty online casino for not letting me win my cash back and exploit people with addictive personalities) Afterall its all a matter of self discipline really, but i lost all that when i gained my freedom again i'd say. So mcuh you can do out here and so much youre not allowed to do in prison life.
Life's a balance and if you got a crooked leg or such that make's you make a wrong step life might just give you a swift kick in the ass and get you out of balance. Words of wisdom from a real tired and kind of disapointed at even relapzing on slot machines, the most boring and evilinspired "games" that some wicked, wicked man come up with. Stick to being addicted to masturbation or something that dont hurt as much is the long run. -RELAPZ!
I can finally start to feel human again. Shortly after my last entry i robbed a pharmacy and (almost) got away with 400 tabs of morphine and 50 benzos.. Why? Insanity perhaps, or so i'd like to think. Would never have done it in my right mind, but then again it might have been just what i needed considering where i was in life. I was sentenced to one year in Skänninge Prison even though minimum sentence for robbery is two years, i got real lucky. I always said i would never make it on the inside, but i was wrong, obviously. I'm now stronger mentally and physically and i feel like i can accomplish anything. I want to live a "normal" life more than ever, but at the same time i don't want to be constantly bored ofcourse.
What doesen't kill you makes you stronger. That expression is so true, even though, to be honest, there were times i thought about ending it all.. Let's just say my persona as a nice and empathic guy really didn't work out well at all at times when being in prison (duuh) i still never gave up my etics and morals but i was after a couple of months able to turn off my emotions and just not care about anything, which actually is kind of usefull, still.
Insanity roamed the halls of the prison, i learned to deal with the boredom but alot of people just snapped and had their fun by degrading and constantly trying to put other people down, trying to make others feel as bad as they did. I'd like to think i remained sane (as sane or insane as i already was entering prison). I woke up and realized what's most important in life: Family .
Be happy with everything or the little things that you have in life. One day it might all be gone and what are you going to turn to then? You don't know what you got, or what really, really matters untill it's gone for a long time, or forever. Appriciate being bored, appriciate being able to feel sad or happy. Appriciete being able to open your window when it's hot inside. Don't take anything for granted! Make sure you let everyone that matters to you know that they do before it's to late. Be happy over that ugly shirt your mothers made you last christmas that itches and just won't fit right because it might just be the last thing that you'll ever get from her.
Fuckin' prophet wannabe huh? lol. I've had eight looooong months to think and feel about everything and this was just a tiny tiny bit what i've come to think of, more to come, i guess. No stress. Stress is bad. Don't walk to fast, or you might just hit a wall, or fall off of a cliff, or some nasty shit like that. You don't want that. Be free, be good, be human. Fuck everything else.
Never to Relapz again!
Here i go again on my own .. Not only a Whitesnake song but the story of my life. I'm out of rehab, doing things i shouldn't do and just surviving. I left rehab (surprise surprise) and been doing so much wrong that i simply haven't had the time to blog. So allegedly i relapsed on benzos .. Funny thing is there is NO PROOF what-so-ever that i relapsed, no urine tests or nothing , just the empty words of a polish-prositute-look-a-likes word against mine and of course a badass like me cannot be trused!
Nah but seriously tho, it pisses me off that some people just can be right without having any proof. Anyways now im free to do what i want, pretty much, and i can thank god for my mom that still lets me stay here, after all i've done.
So i'm back with the love for my opiates, consuming about 50 bucks worth of opiates a day, a pain in the ass when you don't want to do crime to support your habit.. So now i'm at my moms, can't see my son (surprise surprise) due to the fact that my ex is being a total asshat, not wanting my son to have a dad. No thats right, not because im an addict, but because my ex likes the power she has over me. But surprise surprise bitch, if you don't let my son have a dad he might just turn out just like me! Now think of that when you go to sleep you humanity-depraved cunt. 'scuse the french guys :)
So this is me, just keepin' keepin' on. Joker, Chillum, Zyclone, whatever you see me as is high (barely) and is signing out (yes i am)
Untill next time, fuckers!
Whats up .. Been a while now, keeping myself busy or atleast, trying to.. I've noticed that's whats most important. Got two months clean and sober on the 16th, looking forward to it? Not really but i guess in it's own way it's a milestone in my journey to infinty. I got crawings, so bad, just want one more high, but if so i know i'm fucked. Still haven't seen my son, yet, and i'm fighting for custody. My son means so much to me, he's three and a half, like i've mentioned, hurts to say but my love for him is aligned with my craving for drugs.. I just don't know who i am anymore, addiction is all i know. But i think the most relevant is i WANT to change .. It might sound selfish in a weird kind of way but i BREATHE only for my son, i couldn't give a crap about myself, i want to love myself, but don't know how. Atleast like myself would be a great start.
'Nuff of semantics, i'm still in pain from my nervedamage, ironicly caused by my addiction, shooting up benzos. I do believe it is getting better, atleast from time to time, some nights i just scream and hit shit because of the pain. Still in rehab, still strugglin' with understanding man kind and still craving that one, last, hit.
To all addicts out there, if you want to get(stay) clean and sober there's always a way. Somehow, somewhere you will find yourself. This is JOKER (new nickname, wahaha) signing out. Peace!
.. I've moved 11 kilometers away from my home city of Kalmar, feels good, what doesen't feel good is my leg, still, but in the words of Pearl Jam, i'm still alive! Fuckin' hurts and meds ain't working. But i'm sober, my ex threw shit on me a few weeks back and said i wasn't worth the name "dad" .. pissed me off, and now i'm sober, mainly for my son, he needs me , he needs his dad. So three and a half week sober and still kickin' .. I'm at a sober living facility, kinda, working my ass off and constantly feeling the nerve damage in my foot, which is also, sadly, a "valid reason" for me to relapse . But no, fuck it, my son is worth so much more than me silly addiction, and even my life. I kicked my IV opiate addiction, i left everything and headed for soberness and well.. boredom, depression and anxiety, shit i gotta learn to deal with.
So the new season of Trailer Park Boys is out .. can i watch it, in this STATE OF FOOL COUNCIOUSNESS...?
I doubt it .. I can try, but TPB is pretty much only fun when you're high or drunk .. Anyways, keep your head up, fight on and NEVER GIVE UP.
Later . -DC
Hello Journal! (It's obviously what this is since i'm the only one reading) I'm not butthurt, still nervedamaged and no one is doing shit about it except me. No i do NOT wanna go rehab and i'm prolonging it as much as possible. It's just getting harder and harder to get my pain relieved..
ALSO: I'M SINGLE AGAIN .. Yes indeed, lasted a whole 2 months or something? You know whats the worst part? SHE SAID SHE LOVES ME .. That's what hurt the most, okay so she and i both had big problems. But i don't feel like i let them out onto her.. Maybe one good thing with rehab would be to be left alone, but then again the big issue with the PAIN!!
I try to keep my self proccupied but it's easier said than done with a heavy opiate addiction and nervedamage all over my fuckin' leg still after almost 8 months(??) Hard to keep track when every day is the same. And to make it worse now i've started to miss when i inject, which makes it even more expensive to relieve my pain.
Some days i feel like "fuck it" but then i remember my son. One day i'm gonna get out of this stinkin' trench of a life and actually be there for him .. But up untill then, LET ME GET RID OF MY PAIN. So this is Chillum, still alive, still not respected, still looked down upon and still FIGHTING. Never give up, never surrender.
CHEERS FOR NOT READING .. Haha -DC
So they have decided i need rehab .. Okay i shoot morphine almost every day. Rehab is fucking prison imo. What can i say, shit, i hate rehab i've already been there 2 years and will probably be one more year. I don't want this shit, i'm a survivor! I can do this myself but they dont believe me , ive smoked hasch every god damn day so will probably take a loooong time for me to get clean, and i still got the god damn injury in my foot, fuckin assholes forcing me to suffer in pain every day, in rehab nothing is allowed. I hate living in rehab.
FUCK IT .
Hi. Everyone (except me) is counting down the days to the day they can finally force me into rehab .. Still got the nerve damage so fuck this, i need drugs to be able to function at all .. Why is everyone so inhumane here they want to fuck me over and throw me into rehab, making me feeling worse in every way. I've been 2 years in rehab already, and turned out "like this" , as they would say, what would make they think i would change because they force me to this? LOGIC, lacking it is. HUMANS, stupid they be. Jesus christ.. Free will? Nah. Pain? Sure , here go ahead you fucking junkie you're faking it to get drugs yada-yada-yada. HAHA Yea a "mate" actually been saying a couple of times that he thinks im faking it. My answer : Fuck you. Seriosly, who has the energy and lack of soul to fake being crippled? So it's like usual here, fucked and up, mostly fucked but a little up.. I will keep on looking for painkillers cause i've had enough pain in my life, and thats that. Hope to write you again y'all
Guess what, still hurts. LOL. these fuckin doctors musta done something wrong its been over 5 weeks (i think) since i contracted this injury by laying the fucked out on bathroom floor in some fucked position. Whahaha .. I keep hunting for pain meds, but guess what THEY WANT ME TO GO TO REHAB.. WHETER I LIKE IT OR NOT. THING IS.. WHOS GONNA TAKE CARE OF MY PAIN IF NOT ME? I can't MAGICALLY fuckin fix my leg. I can't function, im crippled and i'm not joking cause aint no joking matter. I want to walk again, run again. IT COULD BE WORSE. Yes, but it could also been avoided, stupid stupid stupid misstakes! 24/7 Pain like shootin lightning all throughout my leg. They call me an addict and thus i cant get normal people meds. LET ME SUFFER, they think. Not just that, take away his every damn right just cause he chooses to put drugs into HIS OWN DAMN BODY. Wow, i'm pissed. But a law that fuckin decides wheter you can put subtances into your OWN body .. YOUR >OWN< body. Keyword, OWN. Not anyone elses, i dont sell, i dont force anyone to take anyhing. THIS IS MY BODY! No real fact but i think its mostly true that sweden has most harsh laws against drugs in europe, it's enough just to carry it around inside your urine and your FUCKED bro.
Dope in jail? Dope in rehab? Where ever the -fuck- i go i want to make sure i can be relatively functional despite my damn pain. No matter what, i refuse to suffer both physically and psychologically. God damn every human has a right to get help! Agree? I Wouldnt mind that IF ANYONE READS THIS AND FEELS SORRY FOR ME (LOL) SHARE THIS , LIKE IT, TALK ABOUT IT, SEND ME DRUGS (HAHA) DO YOU FEEL SORRY SAD AGREE NO? JUSTICE FOR ALL THOSE IN PAIN. CURE FOR ALL!