Ads, Fuck em! I know right, but as long as they don't whine i can get a bit o' cash!
Whats up .. Been a while now, keeping myself busy or atleast, trying to.. I've noticed that's whats most important. Got two months clean and sober on the 16th, looking forward to it? Not really but i guess in it's own way it's a milestone in my journey to infinty. I got crawings, so bad, just want one more high, but if so i know i'm fucked. Still haven't seen my son, yet, and i'm fighting for custody. My son means so much to me, he's three and a half, like i've mentioned, hurts to say but my love for him is aligned with my craving for drugs.. I just don't know who i am anymore, addiction is all i know. But i think the most relevant is i WANT to change .. It might sound selfish in a weird kind of way but i BREATHE only for my son, i couldn't give a crap about myself, i want to love myself, but don't know how. Atleast like myself would be a great start.
'Nuff of semantics, i'm still in pain from my nervedamage, ironicly caused by my addiction, shooting up benzos. I do believe it is getting better, atleast from time to time, some nights i just scream and hit shit because of the pain. Still in rehab, still strugglin' with understanding man kind and still craving that one, last, hit.
To all addicts out there, if you want to get(stay) clean and sober there's always a way. Somehow, somewhere you will find yourself. This is JOKER (new nickname, wahaha) signing out. Peace!
.. I've moved 11 kilometers away from my home city of Kalmar, feels good, what doesen't feel good is my leg, still, but in the words of Pearl Jam, i'm still alive! Fuckin' hurts and meds ain't working. But i'm sober, my ex threw shit on me a few weeks back and said i wasn't worth the name "dad" .. pissed me off, and now i'm sober, mainly for my son, he needs me , he needs his dad. So three and a half week sober and still kickin' .. I'm at a sober living facility, kinda, working my ass off and constantly feeling the nerve damage in my foot, which is also, sadly, a "valid reason" for me to relapse . But no, fuck it, my son is worth so much more than me silly addiction, and even my life. I kicked my IV opiate addiction, i left everything and headed for soberness and well.. boredom, depression and anxiety, shit i gotta learn to deal with.
So the new season of Trailer Park Boys is out .. can i watch it, in this STATE OF FOOL COUNCIOUSNESS...?
I doubt it .. I can try, but TPB is pretty much only fun when you're high or drunk .. Anyways, keep your head up, fight on and NEVER GIVE UP.
Later . -DC
Hello Journal! (It's obviously what this is since i'm the only one reading) I'm not butthurt, still nervedamaged and no one is doing shit about it except me. No i do NOT wanna go rehab and i'm prolonging it as much as possible. It's just getting harder and harder to get my pain relieved..
ALSO: I'M SINGLE AGAIN .. Yes indeed, lasted a whole 2 months or something? You know whats the worst part? SHE SAID SHE LOVES ME .. That's what hurt the most, okay so she and i both had big problems. But i don't feel like i let them out onto her.. Maybe one good thing with rehab would be to be left alone, but then again the big issue with the PAIN!!
I try to keep my self proccupied but it's easier said than done with a heavy opiate addiction and nervedamage all over my fuckin' leg still after almost 8 months(??) Hard to keep track when every day is the same. And to make it worse now i've started to miss when i inject, which makes it even more expensive to relieve my pain.
Some days i feel like "fuck it" but then i remember my son. One day i'm gonna get out of this stinkin' trench of a life and actually be there for him .. But up untill then, LET ME GET RID OF MY PAIN. So this is Chillum, still alive, still not respected, still looked down upon and still FIGHTING. Never give up, never surrender.
CHEERS FOR NOT READING .. Haha -DC
So they have decided i need rehab .. Okay i shoot morphine almost every day. Rehab is fucking prison imo. What can i say, shit, i hate rehab i've already been there 2 years and will probably be one more year. I don't want this shit, i'm a survivor! I can do this myself but they dont believe me , ive smoked hasch every god damn day so will probably take a loooong time for me to get clean, and i still got the god damn injury in my foot, fuckin assholes forcing me to suffer in pain every day, in rehab nothing is allowed. I hate living in rehab.
FUCK IT .
Hi. Everyone (except me) is counting down the days to the day they can finally force me into rehab .. Still got the nerve damage so fuck this, i need drugs to be able to function at all .. Why is everyone so inhumane here they want to fuck me over and throw me into rehab, making me feeling worse in every way. I've been 2 years in rehab already, and turned out "like this" , as they would say, what would make they think i would change because they force me to this? LOGIC, lacking it is. HUMANS, stupid they be. Jesus christ.. Free will? Nah. Pain? Sure , here go ahead you fucking junkie you're faking it to get drugs yada-yada-yada. HAHA Yea a "mate" actually been saying a couple of times that he thinks im faking it. My answer : Fuck you. Seriosly, who has the energy and lack of soul to fake being crippled? So it's like usual here, fucked and up, mostly fucked but a little up.. I will keep on looking for painkillers cause i've had enough pain in my life, and thats that. Hope to write you again y'all
Guess what, still hurts. LOL. these fuckin doctors musta done something wrong its been over 5 weeks (i think) since i contracted this injury by laying the fucked out on bathroom floor in some fucked position. Whahaha .. I keep hunting for pain meds, but guess what THEY WANT ME TO GO TO REHAB.. WHETER I LIKE IT OR NOT. THING IS.. WHOS GONNA TAKE CARE OF MY PAIN IF NOT ME? I can't MAGICALLY fuckin fix my leg. I can't function, im crippled and i'm not joking cause aint no joking matter. I want to walk again, run again. IT COULD BE WORSE. Yes, but it could also been avoided, stupid stupid stupid misstakes! 24/7 Pain like shootin lightning all throughout my leg. They call me an addict and thus i cant get normal people meds. LET ME SUFFER, they think. Not just that, take away his every damn right just cause he chooses to put drugs into HIS OWN DAMN BODY. Wow, i'm pissed. But a law that fuckin decides wheter you can put subtances into your OWN body .. YOUR >OWN< body. Keyword, OWN. Not anyone elses, i dont sell, i dont force anyone to take anyhing. THIS IS MY BODY! No real fact but i think its mostly true that sweden has most harsh laws against drugs in europe, it's enough just to carry it around inside your urine and your FUCKED bro.
Dope in jail? Dope in rehab? Where ever the -fuck- i go i want to make sure i can be relatively functional despite my damn pain. No matter what, i refuse to suffer both physically and psychologically. God damn every human has a right to get help! Agree? I Wouldnt mind that IF ANYONE READS THIS AND FEELS SORRY FOR ME (LOL) SHARE THIS , LIKE IT, TALK ABOUT IT, SEND ME DRUGS (HAHA) DO YOU FEEL SORRY SAD AGREE NO? JUSTICE FOR ALL THOSE IN PAIN. CURE FOR ALL!
DAMN RIGHT i'm still alive! Doing everything i can to keep the pain to a minimum, or else i can't function in ordinary day to day life .. Anyways, no reason to mope around or whatever it's called, don't work to bitch around about it, i've tried.. I freakin' hate the fact that i've got resistance against almost all drugs now known to man (not kidding) and liver disease etc making getting high very hard .. Anyhow, one day at a time, getting clean, but i don't think its human to let me suffer like this. You see i can't get real painkillers since i'm a "known addict" and of course anything they would give me, naturally, i woulda abuse.. Bullshit, now they let me rot in my own pain and misery. If i've been an old lady Agnes, 57 years old i would get all the painkillers in the world, and more, because everyone knows that any swede under 50 could be a possible criminal/addict. Yes i do love sarcasm, not, lol. I like to confuse, to make people think.
Time to try to relax with the spasms and lightning pains striking my leg like Thors hammer shooting lightning across the sky.
No one reading this? Guess what, i don't give a shit hehe, this be my diary sort of. Untill next time, fuck off!
Catpiss. So sick of it, when my cat feels neglected he gets pissed, literally.. I've had him for 4 years now, but lately he's been' pissing everywhere because he feels i'm not doing everything quite right, that's all good but I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET PISSED ON shite, my new bed 300+ US dollars, the only new bed i've ever owned, just got pissed on .. And i KNEW he was gonna piss somewhere (except for his splednidly clean cat-toilet) because he sat down on my pants, yes, clothes are his favorite items to piss on. I know, he's just an animal, but i'm not made of clothes.
Yea, still in pain, nervedamage.. Now to watch some "Idiot Abroad" , and try to calm down, after being pissed on for the 5th time..
Untill next time - DC
So about a week or so ago i feel asleep in a fucked up position on the floor. Been having insane pains in my right leg ever since. So was to the emergencyroom today, again, as it turns out, i cut off the flow off blood through my body sleeping in that fucked up position. So now i have nerve-damage all over my right leg, i might never ever be able to walk properly again. but THE PAIN is what's killing me, from inside out, never felt anything like it ever before. I Gotta make sure to never ever binge so far again that i fall asleep in weird places and shit and end up being crippled for life.. Not fun. Take care kids!
I feel like snit, no idea what've happened i strung out one weekeened now for 7 days ive been hardly been able to walk. Tomorrow maybe emergancy. But if i i don't can't feel any pain i cant feel the need for a cure "qutote of he day" -DC